Check yo self

I find that it’s incredibly helpful for me to check myself a number of times throughout the day and after one of these checks I like to attempt a clean slate.

It’s really easy for me to fall into the trap of just wanting what I want.  Like, this morning I woke up early and got started on my day.  There are so many things that I want to do and that I feel like I never get around to.  I started in on my writing, my reading, my to do list.  When Hubby woke up he put a video on for me to watch and I, dear reader, was a douche bag.  Did I need to be a douche?  No.  Did it hurt me to stop for 20 minutes and watch a video about something Hubby put on because I wanted to know about it?  No.

Instantly I felt guilty.  I loaded up the video and apologized.  But you can’t really get a clean slate with something like that.  The damage was done.  It was early and I set the tone for the day.  Now I have to put work into saving the rest of the day because I fired off my mouth without thinking.

And that’s the problem with wanting a clean slate.  There are other people involved and you can’t blame them for being hurt when you’re an asshat to them.

There has to be a better way to gauge these things,  a way to catch them before they happen.  Maybe I need to slow down.  Maybe I need to think a bit before I speak.

This weekend I’ve been feeling whiny.  This weekend I’ve had the suffocating feeling of not being able to be me and do me and all of that.  I feel trapped.  But why?  And what can I do to fix it?  How can I make myself happy and do my recharging without being an asshat?

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