I find that it’s incredibly helpful for me to check myself a number of times throughout the day and after one of these checks I like to attempt a clean slate.
It’s really easy for me to fall into the trap of just wanting what I want. Like, this morning I woke up early and got started on my day. There are so many things that I want to do and that I feel like I never get around to. I started in on my writing, my reading, my to do list. When Hubby woke up he put a video on for me to watch and I, dear reader, was a douche bag. Did I need to be a douche? No. Did it hurt me to stop for 20 minutes and watch a video about something Hubby put on because I wanted to know about it? No.
Instantly I felt guilty. I loaded up the video and apologized. But you can’t really get a clean slate with something like that. The damage was done. It was early and I set the tone for the day. Now I have to put work into saving the rest of the day because I fired off my mouth without thinking.
And that’s the problem with wanting a clean slate. There are other people involved and you can’t blame them for being hurt when you’re an asshat to them.
There has to be a better way to gauge these things, a way to catch them before they happen. Maybe I need to slow down. Maybe I need to think a bit before I speak.
This weekend I’ve been feeling whiny. This weekend I’ve had the suffocating feeling of not being able to be me and do me and all of that. I feel trapped. But why? And what can I do to fix it? How can I make myself happy and do my recharging without being an asshat?