When I got home last night, I put some soup in the oven, made myself a snack of crackers and cheese, put on my pajamas, and set up the bedroom as my sanctuary. I put my laptop and books on the bed. I propped up my bed-rest pillow by the headboard. I turned the light on low. First, I wrote until my soup was done. Then I spent some time in the living room with Hubby, who is still sick and just found out he has strep throat. When he fell asleep watching television, I turned it off and retreated back to the bedroom with a mug of Lemon Zinger tea. I turned on the humidifier. I read until I was too tired to read anymore and then I turned of the light and went to bed. I got my alone time and it felt wonderful.
I don’t know what set it off.
Every single day we come into contact with a million little things that can tilt our axis in the wrong direction. Sometimes we come into contact with that proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. Maybe it’s someone we love who is upset. Maybe it’s the reminder that time is going quickly, flying by. Maybe it’s a biting cat. Maybe it’s a poor night’s sleep. Something puts us into a funk.
I knew that I was going to be in a funk when I woke up this morning. At 4:30. And laid in bed thinking about renovations and chores and the million things I need to do and the disappointing news I received yesterday. I thought about it until that sneaky self-doubt crept in. I thought about it until I decided it wasn’t MY fault. That I need help and that there’s nobody to help me. Even as I felt those things, I knew that they weren’t fair. I knew that they weren’t true.
By the time I left for work, I managed to shelf my annoyance and find some humor. But I wasn’t out of the house long before the weepiness settled in. Now I’ve spent my day being Just Sad. No reason, or actually a lot of reasons but only the kind of reasons you think of once you are already afflicted.
And I have spent most of the day wondering what I can do to make myself feel better.
I can smile. I can be pleasant. I can listen to my audiobook on the way home. I can read. I can relax. I can find something funny to look at online. I can settle down and get work done. When I get home, I can put on my favorite pajamas and a robe and settle in with the cats and Hubby and watch TV and just enjoy myself. I can try to get a better night’s sleep tonight.
But I am trying and I will keep on trying.