Ah, here it comes. I’ve managed to hold it off all month. I’ve managed to hold it off since the week before Halloween, when the skulls started mysteriously disappearing only to be replaced by tinsel.
I am not a big fan of the holidays. They’re too stressful for me. I spend the whole season worrying about what to buy people and then I buy them the wrong things anyway. My already limited and much needed down time shrinks away to almost nothing. There’s always some kind of tension, some kind of drama.
I long for a life organized enough to ease the stress. I long for someone else to make meaningful gift decisions for me.
I want to be a good gift giver. I want to effortless juggle everything. I want to be kind and interesting and to love long conversations. Usually I at least have the crutch of alcohol for a little holiday cheer kickstarter. Already the holidays seem harder.
I know that I am not being fair. I know that it is useless to worry about things before they happen. I know that I can smile my way through things, find a way to be happier now, and play the “at least” game. I know that attitude is a choice.
For now, today, I want the quiet of myself, to be self contained and content.