It happens once in a while. Just like my minor obsession with perfection, I feel it coming and I see it coming. It starts as a twitch and develops into an all out restlessness. I lock onto one idea and start following but before I know it I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole and I’m being jostled this way and that.
Right now there is a list on a sticky note in my planner. It reads: Simplicity, Radical Self Love, Cultivated Life, Self Care.
I think that it started last week when I read an article about parenting and books. I can’t remember where I came across it, but I wish I did. The author said that she did not want to be seen as just a mother when she was so much more, that she wanted to lead a cultivated life. The phrase stuck and it probably helped that I was feeling shuffled and stressed and like pregnant livestock. I am NOT just a vessel, I told my doctor’s office. I am a person with a life and a career.
And just like that the idea was jammed there. My brain did what my brain does. It told me, “Everything will be fine if you just work harder.” Work harder could be my personal motto. No matter what is wrong in my life, even if it is something completely beyond my control, at some point I just kick into high gear and work harder until I can properly ignore and get past whatever it is. Work. Work harder. Make sure that everything on your to do list is done at the end of the day, every day, and that you have done more than you thought you could do at work. Work harder. Work at your relationships and your attitude. Work at your hobbies and joys. Just work.
Eventually, this turns into some wide reaching, deep stuff. It turns into a case of the Get Your Shit Togethers. It encompasses all areas of my life. I order books. (Just yesterday I ordered two self help books I’ll probably never read.) I track down websites. I make lists. I get frustrated with my inability to tackle it all and maintain the attitude I want to have. (Yesterday I was mad at Hubby because he wanted to talk to me when I wanted to work on stuff and then I was mad at me for being mad at him and having a generally shitty attitude. I was much nicer afterwards but usually that’s enough to send me into a spiral of self loathing.) My brain fills with all of these little buzz words and phrases, like the list above, and I spend inordinate amounts of time reading about said words and phrases.
Last week I told Hubby that I wish I were the kind of person who never got mad and never got upset. He told me that was impossible and that I’m only human. That was a sweet, loving moment. I told him that I could do it if I just worked harder. I just eye rolled myself. lol.
Over the next couple of days you can expect my posts to be a little more frenzied. My brain is just working double time, trying to make sense of the thoughts running around in it, trying to make the most out of every minute of my life. It happens once in a while. Hang in there with me and we’ll see what happens.