I’ve been thinking over the past couple of weeks about something. See, I’ve always had an idea of what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I wanted an old farmhouse, a husband, a child, some cats, to write. I wanted to be a writer and the kind of mom who made breakfast and delicious dinners. I wanted to have a vegetable garden and flowers. I wanted to scrub my floors with lemon and be comfortable and make everyone else comfortable. I wanted the kind of life where days ended on a porch swing with a good beer.
Those were the things I was striving for. Some of them I tried my hand at over and over again, always vowing to do better the next time. Some of them I still work at every day. When I got my check, I tried to pay off as much as I could so I had more wiggle room so I could have my big old house eventually. I dreamed but I also worked toward those dreams.
There was a time when I hit the bottom. I came out of a long term relationship feeling ragged and worn. I had let a man tell me that I wasn’t good enough and I drove myself into the ground trying to convince him otherwise. I let him tell me that I was crazy for so long that I started to believe it. And I came out of this relationship and landed in my parents’ basement with my friendships in shambles and no idea what to do except, you guessed it, work.
I got a new boyfriend. I made some new friends. I chose to keep the ones who mattered the most to me and let the rest slip away. I got a new boyfriend and filled my time with his stuff while I worked on my master’s degree and picked up extra hours and paid off some debts. I worked hard and I worked until I had the feeling that something BIG was going to happen. I got promoted. I put an offer in on my house (not an old farmhouse but an inexpensive starter just for me) and I watched my boyfriend struggle with the idea that I was at a different place in my life than he was. Eventually, I let him go too.
And so from the bottom I ended up here: I own my own home. I am married. I am pregnant. I have four awesome cats. I took a better job at a better library. I have my awesome car. And while my house may not be my dream house, I have manged to fill it with books and games and records and cats and blankies and love. All of these things. All of these things are things that I have worked for and that I still consider to be blessings.
But I recently realized that I don’t know who I want to be anymore. I don’t know what I want. I have been so wrapped up in the pregnancy and all of my worries that I have somehow completely lost the connection. When I think about the things I dreamed about, the things I was working for, I feel like they belong to a different world. What am I supposed to be working toward?
I am sure that some of it is my uncertainty about what my life is going to look like in the natural flow of things. Still, it feels so strange to me. I feel like I need some vision, some dream, and I don’t know where to find one. Everything feels so paused right now and I don’t know how to handle that. I am so used to being full speed ahead. Did it start before this? Had I already lost sight of things? What do I do now?