Life Crisis

I’ve been thinking over the past couple of weeks about something.  See, I’ve always had an idea of what I wanted and who I wanted to be.  I wanted an old farmhouse, a husband, a child, some cats, to write.  I wanted to be a writer and the kind of mom who made breakfast and delicious dinners.  I wanted to have a vegetable garden and flowers.  I wanted to scrub my floors with lemon and be comfortable and make everyone else comfortable.  I wanted the kind of life where days ended on a porch swing with a good beer.

Those were the things I was striving for.  Some of them I tried my hand at over and over again, always vowing to do better the next time.  Some of them I still work at every day.  When I got my check, I tried to pay off as much as I could so I had more wiggle room so I could have my big old house eventually.  I dreamed but I also worked toward those dreams.

There was a time when I hit the bottom.  I came out of a long term relationship feeling ragged and worn.  I had let a man tell me that I wasn’t good enough and I drove myself into the ground trying to convince him otherwise.  I let him tell me that I was crazy for so long that I started to believe it.  And I came out of this relationship and landed in my parents’ basement with my friendships in shambles and no idea what to do except, you guessed it, work.

I got a new boyfriend.  I made some new friends.  I chose to keep the ones who mattered the most to me and let the rest slip away.  I got a new boyfriend and filled my time with his stuff while I worked on my master’s degree and picked up extra hours and paid off some debts.  I worked hard and I worked until I had the feeling that something BIG was going to happen.  I got promoted.  I put an offer in on my house (not an old farmhouse but an inexpensive starter just for me) and I watched my boyfriend struggle with the idea that I was at a different place in my life than he was.  Eventually, I let him go too.

And so from the bottom I ended up here:  I own my own home.  I am married.  I am pregnant.  I have four awesome cats.  I took a better job at a better library.  I have my awesome car.  And while my house may not be my dream house, I have manged to fill it with books and games and records and cats and blankies and love.  All of these things.  All of these things are things that I have worked for and that I still consider to be blessings.

But I recently realized that I don’t know who I want to be anymore.  I don’t know what I want.  I have been so wrapped up in the pregnancy and all of my worries that I have somehow completely lost the connection.  When I think about the things I dreamed about, the things I was working for, I feel like they belong to a different world.  What am I supposed to be working toward?

I am sure that some of it is my uncertainty about what my life is going to look like in the natural flow of things.  Still, it feels so strange to me.  I feel like I need some vision, some dream, and I don’t know where to find one.  Everything feels so paused right now and I don’t know how to handle that.  I am so used to being full speed ahead.  Did it start before this?  Had I already lost sight of things?  What do I do now?

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