I noticed it a few months ago. When I thought about myself and my life, all I could envision was a black, tangled mess. And it’s been bothering me ever since. That’s why I started this blog. That’s why I wanted to focus on living more simply and happier. That is why I was thinking about my goals and aspirations last week.
Some days, most days, I just feel lost.
I have no idea when it started. I think it happened right under my nose without me noticing. Everything just became a mess, on the inside. Outside I’ve held it together: gone to work, paid my bills, done what needed to be done. Inside I am wandering and useless, unsure of where I am going and, thus, how to get there.
It feels like I used to be a much awesomer person. I wasn’t so upset and stressed all of the time. I wasn’t constantly striving to get things done. I was writing. I was working for something. I was trying.
But now I just kind of feel like I am going through the motions. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy, that feeling that everything is on pause until the baby gets here, or if it is something else. Everything just feels so far outside of my scope, my realm of possibilities. I know that I do not want my life to look like this but I have no idea what I want it to look like. I am alone.
And inside of me is that tangled black ball, so tangled that I don’t know where to begin unraveling it.