The General Confusion

My mind has been as swirly as some swirled ice cream lately.  A number of factors have come together to create a general sense of confusion.  Who am I?  What do I want?

Those factors:  (1) Someone I truly do not care for and refuse to name saying the phrase “living in his truth.”  (2)  The suggestion that the best way to get through War and Peace is to find characters that you relate to and me deciding that I wanted to be as enthusiastic as one of the characters.  (3) My continued pursuit of Ram Dass’s Be Here Now, including mindfulness and silence and peacefulness.

What is my truth?  I mean, really.  This has been the big wrench in the works.  I don’t honestly think that I am living my own truth.  I am happy but I do not feel fulfilled.  I do not feel like I have a purpose to walk in.  I still feel lost.  I still feel like I am wandering aimlessly.  It is not a problem that I ever had.  But today I caught myself wondering what my life would look like if I did what I truly wanted.  You know, I am famous for “doing things right.”  Not my words.  Work hard, get your degree, get your job, buy a house, get married, have a baby, all in that order.  But is that who I am?  Is it really?  I don’t think so but a few years on the opposite side of things also showed me that THAT wasn’t right for me either.

I want to be enthusiastic about my life.  About all of it.  I want to be the kind of glowing happy that makes even the dishes and the laundry seem manageable.  I know this is a high expectation.  I know this may not be possible.  But I want to want to do things.  I don’t want to think that my whole life is a chore.  And I want to chase down passion after passion until I die.  My only real passion is books.

But then I also want to be wise and beautiful with inner beauty.  I want to be like a magnate.  I want things to be simple and I want to be mindful.  I want to be happy to be silent, but then I also want to talk to myself and my cats and the people around me and bubble over with life.

I want so much without knowing what it is that I truly want at all.

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