I Reject Your Positivity

You may recall that one of my goals when I started this blog was to live a happier, more positive life.  This is still one of my goals but today I want to talk about something that has really been bothering me.

Sometimes, I don’t want to be positive.  And I think that’s okay.

In recent years, I have really managed to rein in my emotions.  When Hubby and I fight, I always try to be the one who is calm and willing to forgive and forget.  When something is stressful in my life, I try to put on a smile, roll up my sleeves, and just get on with it.  When I am sad, I find a way to distract myself.  When someone hurts my feelings, I always try to be the bigger woman.

Recently I’ve noticed a flaw in all of this.  I never get to FEEL the things that I’m actually feeling.  I’m hardly even acknowledging the feelings before I make myself move on and find something to do.  I’ve been allowing myself to feel things, even just for a few minutes.  I’ve been speaking my truth, telling people when I am hurting instead of pretending everything is fine.

Some people have a hard time with this, though.  They love me and they want me to be happy.  They don’t want me totting around a bunch of negative feelings right now when things are supposed to be so happy.  I get it.  I know they love me and that they mean well.  I just want to feel my feelings because my feelings are valid and I’m allowed to feel them.

So, yes, I am hurt when my cousin plans her son’s birthday party for the same day and time as my shower and then invites me to it.  I am stressed out about work.  I don’t appreciate being talked down to.  I am allowed to be worried about the prospect of a c-section.  I feel these things and I am allowed to, that doesn’t mean that I don’t know that it will be alright.  It doesn’t mean that I need to let things go over and over again when someone treats me shitty.

I have feelings and they matter.  Thanks for putting a positive spin on things but just let me feel for a bit too, k?  k.

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