Figuring It All Out

I had a bad day yesterday and I don’t know if I can really explain why.  I was upset in the morning and stressed because cat puke and husbands and lack of electricity and messes.  Then I had awkward conversations at work, the kind that always put me on the defensive.  Relieved to be going home, I called my mother and she instantly said something that really, really upset me and hurt my feelings.  When Hubby got home there were more house projects and those always put us on edge.  Then he teased me and by then I was already at the end of my rope, ready to cry and curl up in a ball and hide.  I woke up for about an hour and a half in the middle of the night and just felt shitty the whole time about everything.

I want today to be better.  I want things to be better.

The problem is that without the proper care and feeding, life can easily become unmanageable.  I don’t know if you recall me talking about my life feeling like a big, black tangle but it’s still kind of like that.  Everything is a tangled mess that needs to be picked apart carefully.

These things take time and they take patience.  They take care and thought.  If I am going to get these things in order, I need to go about it mindfully.  I cannot do that thing that I always do where I try to control everything.  I cannot do that thing I do where I try to change the unchangeable.

But today I can try my best to make things better and easier.  I can try to be happy and I can try to show appreciation to the people who I love.  I can start picking this knot apart bit by bit and hope that it will unravel.

And I can eat cheese.  Because cheese always helps everything.

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