Maybe Not

I woke up this morning and I felt pretty okay.  I told myself, “Self, today you have got to chill out!  You got upset a few times and you let people get to you when you needed to be practicing your stoicism.  You need to take a step back from everything and take a deep breath and just tackle one thing at a time until it is done.  You need to center.  You need to balance.”  Then I set about my day, working on the nursery while I got ready for work and listening to my podcasts and being in a decent mood.

In the waiting room at the doctor’s office, Hubby and I played on our phones and talked and laughed.  He is my favorite person to be with.  I pulled up my Facebook and there it was.  The thing that made me upset.

In the morning, thinking about the day ahead of me, I recognized that I was blessed to have another day ahead of me but also a little concerned about its length.  It was 8:30 and I was a little worn out already from lack of sleep and just pushing myself through my to do list.  I would not be home from work and able to lay down for 13.5 hours.  And so, I posted, “I know that I am lucky to have a day in front of me but I also know that I won’t be home for like 13.5 hours and that is FOREVER.”  A former coworker who used to mentor me and has since retired, commented with “I understand… but maybe big girl panty time?”

That’s the sound of a record screeching.

Here’s how I feel today:  I am sad because Hubby is trying to do his thing before the baby comes and I want him to do his thing but I also wish he would just hang with me on the couch and be boring.  I am missing sex because I am afraid to have it because my mother went into labor both times after having it and I know that I won’t have it again for like two months.  My house is a mess and nobody can fix it but me.  I am going to have a c-section, which I don’t want.  I am nervous about said c-section.  I am more nervous about recovery because I do not do well with asking for help or relying on other people.  Everything the doctor tells me sends me into a minor panic.  I’m tired because I don’t sleep well anymore.  Things keep popping up at work that stress me out.  A guy yelled at me from his van window today because I was eating at a stop light.  I tried to go out and relax last night and it went terribly wrong.  I had to bow out of a semi-important meeting because it was planned for the same time as my next appointment.  I’m kind of over work and just want to be home now.  A number of people have said downright rude things to me in the past 24 hours.

So, you know, I think that I’m holding it together pretty well, that the only people who know that I am legit having a hard time are my mother and this blog, that I haven’t even discussed a lot of this stuff with my friends or Hubby.

So, maybe not.  Maybe my panties are of sufficient size.  Maybe piss off because I am doing the best I can and it’s actually pretty good.


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