My Fears

It has been a strange, roller coaster of a day.  I would say that I have been in a generally good mood but I have been thinking about a lot of stuff.

First, I was offered some help through Hubby that he may or may not have accepted.  And it’s been really bothering me because it isn’t help that I want.  There will be help that I need but I wish that people would come to me and ask me what I need.  This is partially tied up in my own quirks but it can’t be helped.  There are some things that I am just particular about.  That doesn’t mean that I am not grateful for the offer or that I am not grateful for the people who care about me.  It’s just a me thing.

Second, I am annoyed that my work staff is shooting way ahead on everything, preparing for programming in June and August when there is more than enough time to do that stuff when I get back.  I don’t want to take on more projects right now because I only have the rest of this week left at work.

Third, I’ve been analyzing why so many things bother me and I am just always afraid of not being enough.  So I push myself hard and I put off asking for help and I cannot accept help that is given unasked for.  I hate being yelled at.  I hate thinking that I am letting people down.

Fourth, I am really frustrated with people expecting me to just bounce back to being myself after the birth.  It’s going to take time and, no, I don’t want to leave my newborn alone over night right away and, no, I can’t just leave him with one of the grandmothers every weekend that someone wants me to go and do something.  I don’t want to miss out.  I already feel like I am going to be missing out on so much.  Maybe it’s different because I have to go back to work.  I am afraid that he won’t even know that I am his mama.

I have a lot of feelings right now.  And I only have one week left.  This time next week I will be morphined up and I will have a baby.

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