I Took a Break

I took a break.

Friday night I had a couple of drinks and hung out with Hubby.

Saturday night Bestie and her husband came over and I got drunk and spent the night talking and listening to music and hanging out.

Sunday I turned off my to do list.  I ate grinders for breakfast.  My brother-in-law and his friend came over for games and Hubby’s carnitas.  I drank a big pitcher of tea and let myself just relax without worrying about all of the things I “needed” to do.

Monday I went shopping with my mom.  I bought hand soap and a dress and a top.  I had ice cream and pizza.  I came home tired, aware that I had pushed myself too hard, and took a nap.  I turned off my to do list at 7 and had a couple of beers.

And all of this time I continued to be a mother.  I took care of LM.  I pumped and dumped.  I pumped and fed. I had the amazing experience of being relaxed enough that my milk supply nearly doubled.  I snuggled him and talked to him and played with him and let other people do those things too.

And now I feel like a human again and I want to encourage myself to continue to let things go and relax and love my life.  Because there is so much to love.

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I want to sit and read my book.  I want to laze on the couch.  I want to color.  I want to play games.

But I also just really want to get my to do list taken care of.  There are so many things that need to be done right now.  I just feel like it’s pressing on me and like I will only feel better once it is done.

So I never get a good nap and I never get to relax.  Because I drive myself crazy.

LM is no longer a newborn.  I mean, by the numbers he is but he’s more alert and he doesn’t sleep as much and he HAS NEEDS.  It’s taking some adjusting.  On my part.

I am used to doing chores around a sleeping newborn.  Now I have to live my life around a fussy baby.

But he is wonderful and I love him.  I am happy to make his bottles and change his diapers and it breaks my heart when he cries.

Motherhood.  I’m getting used to it, it just changes all of the time.

There’s no reason for me to be this tired or this brain dead.

I guess maybe there is.

First the power went out when I was getting ready this morning

Mom and I spent the morning visiting libraries and I got LM his first library card.

We got some lunch.

At home I rushed through the baby routine: feed, change, pump.

I did some stuff around the house and then laid down for a nap but LM woke me up after only 10 minutes.

I did more work around the house.

MIL came over for an hour. LM slept the whole time she was here.

I did the baby routine.  Hubby called. I talked to him while I did the routine.

Then I was hungry and tired and wanted to relax but there was still more on my list.

I decided to give in and just watch some TV and chill but the xBox needed an update.

LM got fussy.  I fed him and changed him and did both of those things again.  I held him and loved him and sang to him and danced for him and finally got him to chill.  Then I ate while my computer updated.

Now the TV is on and I just have two things left to do on my list for the day but I don’t want to.  I want to just lay on the couch and be a lump.

There’s always so much to do.

There’s always so LM I wasTheI Now

Things I Want

I think that I talked a bit while I was pregnant about how I was feeling kind of lost, like I was in limbo and my dreams were on hold.  Since I have been home, I have had a lot of time to myself and a lot of time to think.  Now that I am settling and the weather is looking up, I’m thinking even more.

First, I love being a mother.  I love the shit out of this little guy and I cannot even imagine what my life was like without him.

I want to, sometimes, give right into that suburban motherhood that seems somehow glamorous to me.  I want to jog and do yoga and drink frapacinnos and such.  I know that it’s a really base idea, very generalized, but I am ready for that.

I also want to be an artist and an individual, a little weird and very intellectual.  I want to have cocktails and dinner parties.

I want my big old house and I want to write and I don’t want to go to work anymore.  I want to keep bees, maybe, and cook and bake and create and dream and wander.

I want so much.

Status Report

Here’s where I am in the world:

82% done with War and Peace.
3 things left in my daily to do list.
32 things left on my To Do list.
Baby laundry waiting to be folded.  Towels in the drier.  Darks in the wash.  Lights waiting.
1 video game waiting to be played.
About half through my coloring journal.
Sleeping baby, bound to be fussy when I’m tired and want a nap.
6ish hours of sleep.  I was actually surprised when I figured this out.
500- The approximate number of texts sent and received today.
1160 podcasts downloaded at the beginning of the day.
4 podcasts listened to so far today.
4 new podcasts just popped up in my queue.
4 days away from hands free pumping.
4 sleeping cats.

It’s a nice day here.  Sunny.  Warm.  Hubby is bringing home some pork to grill tonight and I’m hoping to get outside and throw a couple of discs in the back yard.  I was super tired when I gt up this morning but I have had a lot of energy since which is good because I have a lot that I’d like to get through today.  I’m making pretty good time but I have sacrificed most of my relaxing time.  Oh well.  I can relax later, right?  Right!

I hope that wherever you are and whatever you are doing it is leaving you feeling satisfied and good.

Unclench

When did we start saying that?  Where did it come from?  It had it’s hot moment years ago, though how many I have no idea.  I started using it this weekend.

If I could sum up all of the things that made me upset in the past week, it would all have to do with my inability to let shit go.  I think that I need to do it all and I have to do it all quickly and efficiently and right.  I get upset when I don’t do the things that I think I need to do, even if I am the only one who thinks they need to be done.  On top of that, I get so upset about the milk stuff.

So, I have started telling myself to unclench.  It’s fine, you know.  The laundry will get done.  The baby will be fed.  I just need to roll with it.