There’s no reason for me to be this tired or this brain dead.

I guess maybe there is.

First the power went out when I was getting ready this morning

Mom and I spent the morning visiting libraries and I got LM his first library card.

We got some lunch.

At home I rushed through the baby routine: feed, change, pump.

I did some stuff around the house and then laid down for a nap but LM woke me up after only 10 minutes.

I did more work around the house.

MIL came over for an hour. LM slept the whole time she was here.

I did the baby routine.  Hubby called. I talked to him while I did the routine.

Then I was hungry and tired and wanted to relax but there was still more on my list.

I decided to give in and just watch some TV and chill but the xBox needed an update.

LM got fussy.  I fed him and changed him and did both of those things again.  I held him and loved him and sang to him and danced for him and finally got him to chill.  Then I ate while my computer updated.

Now the TV is on and I just have two things left to do on my list for the day but I don’t want to.  I want to just lay on the couch and be a lump.

There’s always so much to do.

There’s always so LM I wasTheI Now

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Things I Want

I think that I talked a bit while I was pregnant about how I was feeling kind of lost, like I was in limbo and my dreams were on hold.  Since I have been home, I have had a lot of time to myself and a lot of time to think.  Now that I am settling and the weather is looking up, I’m thinking even more.

First, I love being a mother.  I love the shit out of this little guy and I cannot even imagine what my life was like without him.

I want to, sometimes, give right into that suburban motherhood that seems somehow glamorous to me.  I want to jog and do yoga and drink frapacinnos and such.  I know that it’s a really base idea, very generalized, but I am ready for that.

I also want to be an artist and an individual, a little weird and very intellectual.  I want to have cocktails and dinner parties.

I want my big old house and I want to write and I don’t want to go to work anymore.  I want to keep bees, maybe, and cook and bake and create and dream and wander.

I want so much.

Status Report

Here’s where I am in the world:

82% done with War and Peace.
3 things left in my daily to do list.
32 things left on my To Do list.
Baby laundry waiting to be folded.  Towels in the drier.  Darks in the wash.  Lights waiting.
1 video game waiting to be played.
About half through my coloring journal.
Sleeping baby, bound to be fussy when I’m tired and want a nap.
6ish hours of sleep.  I was actually surprised when I figured this out.
500- The approximate number of texts sent and received today.
1160 podcasts downloaded at the beginning of the day.
4 podcasts listened to so far today.
4 new podcasts just popped up in my queue.
4 days away from hands free pumping.
4 sleeping cats.

It’s a nice day here.  Sunny.  Warm.  Hubby is bringing home some pork to grill tonight and I’m hoping to get outside and throw a couple of discs in the back yard.  I was super tired when I gt up this morning but I have had a lot of energy since which is good because I have a lot that I’d like to get through today.  I’m making pretty good time but I have sacrificed most of my relaxing time.  Oh well.  I can relax later, right?  Right!

I hope that wherever you are and whatever you are doing it is leaving you feeling satisfied and good.

Unclench

When did we start saying that?  Where did it come from?  It had it’s hot moment years ago, though how many I have no idea.  I started using it this weekend.

If I could sum up all of the things that made me upset in the past week, it would all have to do with my inability to let shit go.  I think that I need to do it all and I have to do it all quickly and efficiently and right.  I get upset when I don’t do the things that I think I need to do, even if I am the only one who thinks they need to be done.  On top of that, I get so upset about the milk stuff.

So, I have started telling myself to unclench.  It’s fine, you know.  The laundry will get done.  The baby will be fed.  I just need to roll with it.

Cooking from the Pantry

This is an unfair post title.  I don’t have a pantry.  What I have is a dinky kitchen and an old DVD shelf.  Seriously.

But I think that I want some Mexican food tonight and I think that I can pull this off with things that I have in my kitchen.  I know that I have refried beans and sour cream and cheese and salsa and onions and green onions and tortillas.  I know that there is taco sauce and enchilada sauce.  I know that I want Mexican.  So I should make it happen.

It is not often that I am able to pull something like that off.  Usually we very little meldable food in the house.  Our cupboards consist of French onion soup packets, tuna, canned beans, and Ramen.  We have about  boxes of crackers but no actual food.

Some day I hope that I get better at this.  I’d like to be the kind of woman who can throw together a meal at the drop of a hat.  And before long I am going to have to be prepared to feed LM too!

Here’s to wanting Mexican and making it happen.

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

Today has been a strange day.  I don’t know where it went.  I did get in an hour nap and Mom came to visit for an hour and brought me some lunch.  Other than that, though, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything.  I picked up the house.  I marinaded some chicken that I just put into the oven.  I pumped and fed and changed diapers.  But the day has slipped away.

When I woke up from my nap, I started to feel the pressure closing in on me.  I have so much that I wanted to do this week and I have done so very little of it.  The house hasn’t been cleaned and the laundry hasn’t been washed.  I have a billion things on my to do list and the day is sliding away so that there is nothing to be done about it.  I had good intentions.  I was going to do stuff and read.  But now I cannot even think about reading.  My brain hurts just thinking about all of the stuff I want to do.

Times like these, I have to remind myself that I am doing all that I can and sometimes that is more and sometimes it is less.  I have to slow down and do one thing at a time, put my phone down and only check it every half hour or so.  I forget that just because I am home doesn’t mean that my day isn’t take up with the care of the baby.  Sometimes it is and that’s alright because that is what I am here for.

Whatever it is that you are stressed about, take a deep breath and forgive yourself.  That’s what I am trying to do.

Last night was a long night.

LM didn’t want to go to sleep and I was very tired when I finally got to bed.  I ended up with about 3.5 hours of sleep.  When I woke up this morning I was exhausted and frustrated and a bit cranky.

Luckily, LM went down for a long nap this morning and I got some more sleep.  When I got back up, I wasn’t feeling it.  I’ve taken things a bit slower than usual.  I’ve watched TV instead of reading.  I’ve forgiven myself and tried to do what I felt needed to be done.  I ticked off one big project, let my mother-in-law stay with LM for while, and snacked around.

This is self care.  Who knows what tonight will bring.  I may not get to sleep.  I may sleep all night.  LM seems pretty damn tired today though…