I am feeling a lot like I could use a little bit of sparkle. I need some self help. I need some pseudo psychology. I need some life coaching.
I’ve been thinking that, like a cake that’s gone flat, all of the ingredients are there but my life is, well, flat.
I’m just a robot running the same program every day and not getting anywhere.
I want to get somewhere.
I want to get happy.
I have an exciting day planned today.
This morning my mother will be coming over to babysit and I will be going to town. I’m going to get some groceries and maybe make a quick stop at the Goodwill. I might even swing into WalMart and buy a wrap to carry the baby. We’ll see how I feel. I am looking forward to going into town, even as my list grows and grows. I need gas and Hubby wants me to pick up his prescription. I want groceries and I’d like something new to wear, as I’m working on getting a new wardrobe going for work.
It will be a nice break that isn’t a break at all. Ha ha.
LM had his one month wellness visit yesterday and everything is good. He’s a little on the small side but nothing to be concerned about. He is a little guy, you know, and now I’m going to worry that he’s too little and that he’s not growing enough and not getting enough of what he needs. I suppose that I’ll always be worried about it. That’s being a mom.
And, the baby calls. I hope you have a good day too and get to have even a lame adventure!
Over a decade ago, I used to work with a boy who I was in love with. We were, in fact, in love with each other. We made each other mix tapes. We read each other’s books. We e-mailed almost every day. We went for long walks. We talked about deep things.
One of the deep things that he told me was about robots. We were discussing whether or not we existed one day and I made some feeble argument, something along the lines of “I think therefore I am” but a lot more wishy washy, I’m sure. He told me about robots and AI and how the way that they programmed things to seem human was layering reaction on top of reaction. If something so simple could make AI seem human, how could we be sure that we weren’t just programmed?
I’ve been thinking about this conversation today. Here I am on my longest staycation ever and, yes, there are things that need to be done but for the most part my only real job is making sure that LM survives. Feeding and changing and loving don’t take up alllllll of my time. And so I have filled it with a program, a list and rules and schedules, until I have driven myself mad.
I told myself to chill today and I did. It was a great day. Only when I woke up from an accidental two hour nap I felt the need to rush rush rush and complete my program. I had to remind myself, just now, to chill.
I am not a robot.
Sometimes I forget how much joy is wrapped up in the little things in life. I forget that sometimes just holding my son and sitting on the couch is enough to make my day brighter. I forget that it is worth it to get out that pitcher and glass that I bought years ago because I loved them but actually haven’t used yet.
I used to play a game where I would stop periodically throughout the day and ask myself, “What little thing could I do to make this better?” Sometimes it was during a boring task at work and I would realize that I could turn on a podcast and not be so bored. But just as often it happened when I was having a good day and enjoying myself. I might realize that a $1 tea from McDonalds would make it even better or that I wanted to listen to some ELO and sing along ridiculously.
I’m writing on my back deck right now. I haven’t spent much time out here yet except to smoke or hand Hubby something while he grills. My next two things on my to do list (blogging and writing) were things that I could easily do out here. I went downstairs and got my beach chair and brought it up. Now I’ll sit out here throughout the days and remember why it is that I wanted a deck to begin with.
The little things can make a big difference. Choose joy.
I took a break.
Friday night I had a couple of drinks and hung out with Hubby.
Saturday night Bestie and her husband came over and I got drunk and spent the night talking and listening to music and hanging out.
Sunday I turned off my to do list. I ate grinders for breakfast. My brother-in-law and his friend came over for games and Hubby’s carnitas. I drank a big pitcher of tea and let myself just relax without worrying about all of the things I “needed” to do.
Monday I went shopping with my mom. I bought hand soap and a dress and a top. I had ice cream and pizza. I came home tired, aware that I had pushed myself too hard, and took a nap. I turned off my to do list at 7 and had a couple of beers.
And all of this time I continued to be a mother. I took care of LM. I pumped and dumped. I pumped and fed. I had the amazing experience of being relaxed enough that my milk supply nearly doubled. I snuggled him and talked to him and played with him and let other people do those things too.
And now I feel like a human again and I want to encourage myself to continue to let things go and relax and love my life. Because there is so much to love.
I want to sit and read my book. I want to laze on the couch. I want to color. I want to play games.
But I also just really want to get my to do list taken care of. There are so many things that need to be done right now. I just feel like it’s pressing on me and like I will only feel better once it is done.
So I never get a good nap and I never get to relax. Because I drive myself crazy.
LM is no longer a newborn. I mean, by the numbers he is but he’s more alert and he doesn’t sleep as much and he HAS NEEDS. It’s taking some adjusting. On my part.
I am used to doing chores around a sleeping newborn. Now I have to live my life around a fussy baby.
But he is wonderful and I love him. I am happy to make his bottles and change his diapers and it breaks my heart when he cries.
Motherhood. I’m getting used to it, it just changes all of the time.